


mind runnin', got me feelin' like it hurts to think

by zekewastaken



Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE
Genre: Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Jeon Soyeon Has Mental Health Issues, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Understanding, Yeh Shuhua is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27702890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zekewastaken/pseuds/zekewastaken
Summary: Passive suicidal ideation— characterized by thinking about dying or a desire to be dead, without actively making a specific plan to carry out those thoughts.Soyeon finds a kindred spirit in the form of her maknae, Shuhua.
Relationships: Jeon Soyeon & Yeh Shuhua
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	mind runnin', got me feelin' like it hurts to think

**Author's Note:**

> Alt: kinda wanna die (just not right now)
> 
> Link to [chapter two](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1466135/2/so-it-s-okay-to-live-lik), which focuses on Soyeon & Yuqi
> 
> **Title taken from the lyrics of [**Hate Myself**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f6F7tGDcQw) by NF.

There are days when Soyeon wants to die.

Sometimes, she doesn’t have an exact reason as to why the thought triggers in her head. It just happens at random, and she usually allows it. When something occurs so frequently, it becomes like second-nature to the point that you learn to accept it as a normal part of your life. So, the desire of not wanting to be alive doesn’t scare Soyeon as much as it should.

(Then again, most people don’t feel suicidal day after day—or maybe more than once. Let alone have different intensities of the feeling in the back of their mind, ready to resurface at any given opportunity.)

She’s not _actively_ suicidal, per se, but there’s a passive, apathetic preference towards being dead and lying six feet underground on periods like this. Moments of time when she’s anchored to her bed by the sinking feeling of emptiness and futility, with only the hope that she falls asleep and never wakes up. Instead of letting the weight of everything she’s done, will ever do, and has failed to accomplish pile up on her chest.

Soyeon thinks about visiting her therapist again, but then they’d probably just prescribe her with the same medication that had long since stopped working for her. (An increased dosage meant an increased dependence, and Soyeon doesn’t want to grow reliant on pills for those temporary bouts of relief.)

She thinks of reaching out to someone else and telling them about it though. A person whom she can both trust and expect to understand what she’s feeling. Instead of just being aware of it and blindly accepting, like Miyeon and Yuqi. Or being solemn and sympathetic, like Minnie and Soojin. (She tried with her parents, but then gave up after realizing that they just took it as another idiosyncrasy.)

Because Soyeon doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want their vague acceptance, or silent pity. Just someone, anyone, who _actually_ gets it without needing her to explain time and time again.

Despite the brevity of her list, there was one other person she hadn’t taken into thought until recently— the group’s maknae, Shuhua.

The Taiwanese climbed to the top of her list after she had found the older girl during one of her funks. When Soyeon was just so fucking tired of everything and retreated to the dorm’s rooftop for a semblance of peace. Her head banging lazily against the glass railing, which separated her from the sweet oblivion waiting twelve floors down in the form of hard concrete. Angry curses on the tip of her tongue as she roughly pulled at her hair in frustration.

Surprisingly enough, Shuhua had figured out what was going on and just hoisted her up. Carrying her sluggish form back inside and towards the direction of Soyeon’s own studio, where she knew it was safe and quiet for her to rest without being disturbed.

The leader passed out almost instantly, her aching head cushioned by a comfy pillow, while Shuhua lingered by her side as she carefully brushed a hand through her tangled hair. It wasn’t until she had woken up hours later to the soft, dark eyes of her nervous-looking dongsaeng, who’d gently shaken a bottle of prescription tablets at her, that Soyeon finally understood.

“I’ve been medicated since high-school, so I’m taking one that works pretty well for me now.”

Shuhua said while rubbing her neck sheepishly, almost like she was embarrassed to had been hiding her condition for so long.

“I don’t know how bad it is for you, unnie… but it gets a little easier once you stop pretending that the feeling isn’t there.”

Soyeon just nodded silently, and the two left it at that. They don’t discuss it again, haven’t since, though she doesn’t see a need for them to anyway. Because Soyeon knows that if she were to explain the difference between _“I’m planning on killing myself”_ and _“I wish I was dead, but I’m not going to do anything”,_ Shuhua would likely understand what they mean.

The other members have made consoling attempts (which she appreciates, of course), but Soyeon finds a stable ground in having someone who seems to _really_ get what she’s struggling through. All the way down to the nitty-gritty details.

Nowadays, the leader spends most of her time in the studio as usual. Only this time, Shuhua is there to keep her company. Sprawled across the couch either sleeping or playing on her phone, while Soyeon worked away diligently on a new project.

They leave each other alone for the most part, sticking to their own devices for certain periods of time, although Shuhua would occasionally check in and ask if Soyeon was hungry, or wanted a drink from one of the vending machines outside. And when it seems fit, she’d sometimes even rope the older girl into taking a short break. Relieving her of any stress with head massages and soothing back rubs, while they talked amicably or laughed at something the others have sent in their group chat. (Memes, mostly, despite half of them not making any sense to Soyeon.)

But for majority of the day, the two stay in their own personal bubbles. Content with just sharing the same space as they try to remind themselves of the things and the people worth living for.

Obviously, they still talk to Miyeon, Minnie, Soojin, and Yuqi from time to time—but the girls are just as scared of their bad days as anyone else. Because people tend to be scared of things that they don’t quite understand. Even if sometimes, Shuhua or Soyeon didn’t want their friends to be afraid.

“Afraid _of_ them” and “afraid _for_ them” have been blurred together these days, so neither Soyeon nor Shuhua can tell which of the two is worse. If they can help it though, they’ll try to reassure the members that _they’re okay._ But when they can’t, avoidance and isolation would benefit the both of them. At least, until they deemed it healthy to regroup again.

And so, Soyeon breathes the same air as Shuhua in the comfort of her studio. Lo-fi music playing softly in the background, accompanied by the faint sound of fingers typing away on a keyboard, as Soyeon continues to work while Shuhua does her own thing. She never tells the maknae about _‘fast-intentional-death’_ or _‘slow-kind-of-dying’_ , because it doesn’t matter. Shuhua isn’t scared, and Soyeon doesn’t scare her. They don’t talk about it, and life just keeps going on.

Soon enough, even the shitty days seem more tolerable. And they can head back to the dorms with a smile that still doesn’t quite reach their eyes, but is genuine enough to alleviate some of the worry on Minnie and Yuqi’s faces. Or lessen the momentary pain that flashes across Soojin and Miyeon’s features every time they’re all seated at the dining table together.

And when Shuhua starts the running joke of _“I’m gonna go down the sewer slide”,_ only Soyeon gets it—the hidden meaning behind her words—and it’s the first time she laughs about her condition. A small, hearty chuckle that has the other members turning their heads in confusion, somewhat concerned, but it remains a secret between them.

_The others won’t get it._ Soyeon thinks, and that’s fine with her. They don’t have to understand, because Shuhua is there as the anchor that keeps her raft afloat on choppy waters. To hold her steady from spiraling into the depths of crushing hopelessness, and be the safety net that she needs.

Suddenly, the bad days aren’t so bad anymore. It’s not much, but it’s enough for Soyeon to feel a little more alive.

_"Thanks for giving me a safe space with you."_


End file.
